take my hand (take my whole life too)
by choikimmy
Summary: [AU] Actress Shiraishi Megumi is loved by many people in the nation. But behind all that glory and fame lies only an empty soul within her.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n:** My primary inspiration to write this fic came from Notting Hill. There are infinite possibilities when it comes to a Celebrity!AU, but I decided not to make it as simple and thus, this fic isn't an all round trip to fluff-land (lmao). This fic will probably have about 5 to 6 chapters, depending on how the flow goes. I dedicate this fic to **Yuri Hannah** for being a constant listener to all my random ramblings and muse ideas.

 **Disclaimer!** _I do not own any characters from Code Blue, just the plot._

* * *

Chapter _**One**_.

 _The rumours of actress Shiraishi Megumi (33) wanting to take a break from the entertainment industry has been confirmed by the star herself. Shiraishi, known best for her role as Akiyama Hana in the melodrama, Spring Rain, is reportedly going back to her hometown in Aomori for an indefinite period. For reasons undisclosed, Shiraishi has apologised to her fans for the sudden decision of her hiatus, and has revealed that this is something she has to do. While Shiraishi is deeply grateful for all the support she has received thus far, the star herself is unsure of when she would be returning to the big screens. She hopes that her intentions will not be misconstrued, and thanks her fans for their unwavering support and love._

* * *

It has been a week since her press conference, but Megumi could still remember the look on her manager's face when she told him she wanted a break.

There were a few new movie offers on the table when she told him she couldn't do that anymore, and her manager had given her a look of frustration and confusion. Whenever she closes her eyes, Megumi could still hear her manager's voice telling her she should calm down and _really think_ before making any hasty decisions she would regret later.

Megumi had insisted she didn't need more time to think this through; she has made her decision, whether her manager liked it or not. It wasn't something she had suddenly thought of, Megumi had reasoned with him. She had thought long and hard about it, and found herself desperate to get out from her current situation.

Her manager, aghast, didn't oppose to her decision nor did he explicitly agreed to it. When he asked her how long she need, Megumi had shrugged and said she didn't know.

She was sure her manager has assumed she had gone crazy. First, Megumi had turned down the offer to star in a movie alongside one of the top A-list actors in the country. And then, even when he brought her a list of other television drama offers, Megumi didn't so much as to glance at the list before rejecting all of them. And now, this.

When her manager pleaded asking her to tell him what is wrong, Megumi had kept mum. She didn't tell him why she was doing this, except that she was tired of everything.

* * *

Being an actress wasn't Megumi's choice by heart.

She was 10 years old when an agency had approached her mother in a mall. The conversation was a blur in her mind, but Megumi had remembered the representative saying she was the perfect choice for a supporting child role in an upcoming daily drama. She didn't remember when the decision was ever made as she was never consulted in the first place, but Megumi had felt the need to appease the people around her that eventually, she just went with the flow. She didn't even know she could act, but had been pleasantly surprised when she heard praises from the director. Megumi was then thrown into a frenzy of photoshoots and a number of press conferences until suddenly, she wasn't just Shiraishi Megumi, a girl from a small town, anymore, but Shiraishi Megumi, a rising child actress in the entertainment industry.

There were a few more roles after the success of the drama, much to her surprise, and clothing companies began to call her to endorse their brands. In all truth and honesty, while Megumi had been overwhelmed most of the time, she didn't hate the attention she was getting. She believed that it was a good opportunity, and even wondered how lucky she had been to be chosen to walk on this path. This wasn't what she wanted, but she had grown accustomed to it.

She spent most of her teenage years behind cameras and screens, and landed her first titular role in a coming-of-age sitcom when she was 17 years old. Later, at 24 years old, she starred as Akiyama Hana in a melodrama that was a nationwide success. She won her first Best Actress award from that drama, and more offers began to pile in.

Megumi didn't know when she began to feel that way, but after a list of movies and dramas she had filmed, she could no longer bring herself to enjoy acting as much as she used to.

She vaguely remembered that, after getting her first Best Actress award, she wanted it to end. But how could she, when it was just the beginning?

* * *

It was calmer than she had expected, the atmosphere in the clinic.

Megumi had expected screaming children and crying toddlers to say the least. She was at the paediatrics, after all. Instead, it was so serene and calm that she almost thought she was dreaming. The few sick children in the clinic were seated with books or toys in their laps, making barely any noise—Megumi had to stop for one second to check if she was at the right place.

"Hello, may I help you?" She was greeted by a nurse, and Megumi was quick to push the sunglasses back onto her face.

"Hello, I believe I have an appointment with Dr. Hiyama." She answered softly, a small smile on her lips as the nurse raised an eyebrow. It didn't seem as though the nurse recognised who she was, and she breathed a sigh of relief mentally.

"Only you, Miss?" The nurse had asked politely, her tone slightly confused as Megumi nodded her head in embarrassment. This was not how she had wanted to reunite with her best friend, but there wasn't much choice given how busy Mihoko was. "May I get your name so I can confirm this with Dr. Hiyama?"

She felt her heart race, her calm demeanour faltering. She had half a mind to just leave the clinic there and then, but Megumi persisted. She was here to see her best friend; this wasn't about her title as an actress, but her friendship with Mihoko.

"Shiraishi…Megumi." Her voice was low, but the nurse heard it loud and clear. She saw how the nurse had paused for two seconds, frowning, before looking at her again. There was a mask of realisation on the nurse's expression, and Megumi found herself dreading for what's to come.

Only that, the nurse didn't say anything. Didn't ask for a photo with her, or ask for a confirmation if she was indeed _the_ Shiraishi Megumi everyone knew about. The nurse had nodded, backing away into an office—Hiyama's, that was for certain, before coming back and gesturing for her to enter.

"Thank you." Megumi said politely. She didn't miss the beam of admiration the nurse had given her, but she proceeded into Hiyama's office anyway.

When she entered, she was surprised to see Mihoko examining a child on the examination bed. She stood by the door silently, watching how her best friend was talking to the child in a pitch that clearly didn't belong to her. Mihoko had a huge grin that didn't fade away even when the child hopped off the examination bed and sauntered to his mother by the side.

Mihoko glanced up then, seeing Megumi standing awkwardly at the entrance. She immediately beamed at her.

"Why, look who the wind blew in."

* * *

It was during lunch hour, twenty minutes later that Megumi could finally talk to Mihoko properly. She had brought a pre packed bento for her friend just so they could eat inside, and Mihoko hadn't been happier.

"This was prepared by your mom, right? Please say yes." From all the years Megumi had known her, it didn't seem she has changed much. Mihoko was still ever so cheerful and full of energy, and she was glad to see her so happy as well.

"Yes." She plainly said, and Mihoko punched the air in happiness.

"I've been wanting to drop by to visit your mother but I couldn't. I missed her cooking so much!" Mihoko opened the bento eagerly and swooned at the sight in front of her. "Doctors aren't the only ones saving lives, y'know? Your _mother_ is a life-saviour, too."

Megumi stifled a laugh, watching her friend eat with so much joy that it made her guilty for not being home more often. She has greatly missed her mother's food, too. "So, how are you?"

"Extremely _busy_." Mihoko said in between bites. "My uncle is expecting me take over this clinic so he has been passing down all his clients to me and I am _dying_!" She faked crying and earned a sympathetic look from Megumi. Even so, she knew Mihoko was just exaggerating. The latter loved her job and was extremely passionate about being a doctor.

Before she went full-time as an actress, Megumi had mostly been in school with Mihoko when she had no schedule. She could barely squeezed time for both her studies and her schedules in Tokyo, relying only on Mihoko's revision notes to get her through high school. It didn't look like anyone had cared, though, if she was to be completely honest with herself. Her teachers had given her much leeway, never pressuring her to submit her homework, never scolding her for an unsatisfactory grade. They were all proud to have a rising star from their small town that instead of wanting Megumi to graduate with flying colours, they were satisfied with her just achieving minimum grades.

But Mihoko, she had been different. While she had been proud, she couldn't understand why Megumi had to give up her studies in place as an actress. She had made sure Megumi completed her studies in time for finals _and_ remained sane for her acting projects in Tokyo. Megumi didn't know how she did it, but she was eternally grateful for having such a responsible friend. It was because of her that her results came out more than satisfactory, though the media had exaggerated and reported she was an honours student. She figured that if she hadn't been so successful as an actress, Megumi would have followed Mihoko's path and gone to medical school instead.

"So…are you okay?" Mihoko had been careful when she asked that question, but there was no indication from Megumi to show that she was offended. She knew everyone in her town was curious of her sudden decision to be in an indefinite hiatus, right at the peak of her career, too. It made no sense to exclude Mihoko from the equation.

"I just needed a break." Megumi replied. It was starting to roll off her tongue easily, after repeating this to several other people. Mihoko didn't seem convinced, knowing that a break wasn't all that Megumi had wanted, but she didn't feel like it was the right time to prod her best friend to elaborate, so she shrugged.

"How long are you planning on having your vacation? Aren't you missing out on a lot of casting opportunities by being idle like this?"

"Why, are you eager to get rid of me or something?" Megumi playfully teased, though she avoided her question effectively. It was difficult to give an answer to a question she didn't know of.

Mihoko grinned. "Are you kidding me? I just saw you after god knows how long, of course I want you to stay as long as you could." Then, her grin faltered slightly. "But you're okay, right? Like, really, really, okay?

Acting has taught Megumi to put on many masks to cover what she truly felt. Behind all the glory and fame of a much loved actress, beneath all the smiles and laughter she portrayed outside, there was only an empty sad shell of a soul within her.

"I'm really fine, Mihoko." She lied once again. It was effortless.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n:** thank you very much for all the reviews! hope you would enjoy this chapter as well.

Chapter _**Two**_

* * *

Even though Megumi had lied to Mihoko about her mental wellbeing at the moment, the latter had written her a recommendation letter to the town hospital. For a moment there, Megumi nearly panicked, wondering if Mihoko knew something was wrong with her.

"W-what is this?" Megumi asked, her heart began to race as she saw how serious her friend was looking at her.

"I know you're still suffering from _insomnia_ , Megumi." Mihoko said with a pointed look when she handed her the letter she had quickly typed over the break. "Your dark circles are terrible."

Megumi mentally breathed a sigh of relief, suppressing a laugh that was coming out from her throat before shaking her head and pretending to smile. "I really can't hide anything from you, Mihoko."

She didn't tell her best friend that her dark circles was due to late night filming that went on until 3 in the morning. Didn't tell her that she only slept for less than 3 hours before she had to wake up to get her hair and makeup done because of her morning schedules. This cycle had repeated itself for years, ever since she turned legal and the law no longer protected her. It was a sacrifice she had to make in return for everything else, so as much as she had hated it, Megumi had long accepted this fate of hers. Even without the schedules, Megumi would find herself waking up a few times randomly in the middle of the night, restless and still tired.

"The letter will take you directly to Dr. Matsuda without any explanation needed. He's the best doctor I know who treats sleep disorders." Mihoko explained, pointing at the letter. "I used to intern under him so he'll know who I am. Do you want to visit him tomorrow? I can give him a call if you want."

Megumi was slightly overwhelmed by how quick Mihoko had planned everything for her. She saw the hopeful look in her eyes and had no heart to reject her offer, so Megumi simply nodded in quiet agreement.

"Great! Is 11 in the morning okay for you?"

* * *

Her mother wanted to follow her to the hospital, but Megumi declined almost as quickly as the offer was given. The town she lived in was small, everyone knew almost everyone there. She was sure that if she was seen with her mother, her cover would be blown in a split second, and that was the last thing she wanted at that moment.

It was difficult to maintain her disguise in the hospital, though. It would draw even more suspicion from people around her if she were to go over the top with covering her face, so Megumi settled with just a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap. Even then, she knew that the moment she had to give her identification card to the hospital receptionist for registration, her disguise would be redundant.

Sure enough, she heard whispers soon after she returned to her seat, her _name_ hanging in the air, ripping across the atmosphere that Megumi suddenly wished she didn't accept Mihoko's offer. She wanted a break from all this, not plunge herself even deeper into this situation.

Even so, it was hard for her to be cold towards an elderly woman in a wheelchair. She had recognised her the moment Megumi took off her sunglasses. It wasn't all that surprising, of course, given that her latest drama was still airing in prime time nationwide.

"Aren't you Shiraishi Megumi?" The grandmother had asked rather kindly, and Megumi couldn't find the heart to lie. She nodded slowly, a smile gracing her face automatically.

"Yes, I am." She peered at the wristband on the elderly woman before adding politely, "Kinue-san."

"Ah, you probably don't remember me, Megumi-chan." The woman named Kinue continued, her expression soft and endearing. Megumi knitted her eyebrows together, confused at how, although Kinue had called her name with so much affection, it didn't feel weird at all. She frowned, trying to rack her memories for any possible connection as to who this elderly woman was, and how she knew her. The town was small, after all, it shouldn't be a surprised that Kinue knew Megumi.

"I own a bookstore a few blocks away from your school. You used to drop by often when you were in elementary school." Kinue explained. "You stopped coming after that, but I could always remember you, Megumi-chan."

There was a sudden switch in Megumi's mind, a faded memory of the bookstore near her elementary school. She had stopped there every day after school on the way home, and there was always the lady owner who would recommend books for her to read…

"Kinue-san!" She gasped, suddenly ashamed at her lack of respect and recognition. "I'm so sorry, it's been such a long time—"

"Hush, child. Do not apologise." Kinue chided her immediately. "I completely understand, you were busy after all. I saw all the shows you were in. I was always so proud to have known you since you were young, to have served you as a customer. We all are!"

"Thank you, Kinue-san." Megumi said in a low whisper, indifferent to the compliment she has heard repeatedly over the years. Though, she covered it with a smile. "I hope you are well. Why are you here today?"

"Oh, just a couple of regular check-ups. I am waiting for my grandson, he went to pay the bills…" At that, Kinue was looking around, but when she couldn't see her grandson in the crowd, she turned to Megumi again with a beam on her face. "Are you well, Megumi-chan?"

Megumi was slightly flustered. She didn't feel comfortable lying to Kinue for some reason, but she also couldn't bring herself to tell her she wasn't. "Yes, Kinue-san. Just here to get some medications for my insomnia." She said, in the end. It was partially true, after all.

Kinue looked relief at that, which just made Megumi twice guiltier. "Insomnia is really so troublesome, right? But it'll be fine. My grandson had insomnia as well, but I think he's better now. Oh, look, there he is."

Megumi turned to the direction where Kinue was looking at, and saw a tall and lean man, probably around Megumi's age, walking towards them. Even though she knew who Kinue was, there was not a spark of memory in her mind regarding her grandson.

"Kousaku!" Kinue greeted cheerfully, gesturing him closer. "Look who I bumped into."

A sense of dread began to fill Megumi's mind, but she held it in for the sake of Kinue. Her grandson, Kousaku, had glanced at her, but much to her surprise, his expression remained stoic. "Sorry it took so long, grandma." His gaze had gone straight from Megumi to his grandmother in a split second, it was as though she wasn't even there in the first place.

Megumi didn't know if she was glad or offended, to be honest.

"Where are your manners, Kousaku?" Kinue scolded her grandson immediately before gesturing at the woman beside her. "This is _Shiraishi Megumi_."

"Hi." was all he said. He looked so uninterested that Megumi was too stunned to speak. She wasn't used to getting a reaction like this from random people she had met along the way. Most of the time, they would have squealed loudly and ask for a photograph immediately. But this…this Kousaku dude didn't even so much as to glance at her direction even though he saw her sitting with his grandmother.

Kinue had probably read the situation, given how she was shaking her head at her grandson. "Hopeless child. I'm so sorry, Megumi-chan."

"Eh?" She was surprised at the sudden apology. "There's nothing to be sorry over, Kinue-san."

"My grandson doesn't know any celebrities, to be honest. He never watches the TV." Kinue had leaned in to whisper, but Kousaku heard it still and had scoffed.

"O-oh." Megumi was taken aback at that. "I see." She honestly didn't know how to react to that statement. So was Kinue-san implying that her grandson didn't know who she was? That was…interesting, to say the least.

"Kousaku, you should share your experience with Megumi." Kinue suddenly announced that Megumi was literally speechless at the situation she was currently in. "She's suffering from insomnia. Maybe you could give her some tips on how to make it better?"

She wished she hadn't blushed, but she was probably already turning red. "Ah, it's nothing to worry about, really." Megumi quickly interjected, standing suddenly. "It's my number already. I should probably go." She awkwardly pointed at the registration counter again, relieved to see her waiting number on the screen. Megumi avoided looking at Kousaku, but bent down anyway so that she was at Kinue's eye level. "Kinue-san. I hope you take care. It was really nice meeting you again today after all these years."

Kinue was beaming at her again, nodding once as she patted Megumi's hand. "You take care as well, dear child. Do drop by when you're free."

Megumi doubted she would, but nevertheless, she nodded. "I will."

When she stood upright again, Kousaku had tipped his head slightly, a sign of goodbye. She returned that gesture before walking away quickly, hoping to never bump into him again.

* * *

Megumi found out later, from Mihoko, that Kousaku was not born in this town. That would explain why she had no recollection of who he was despite being close to Kinue-san. Mihoko also told her that because Kinue's health was deteriorating, her grandson had permanently moved to stay with her, so that someone could keep an eye on her and take care of her. The bookstore as well, was no longer under the care of Kinue, but Kousaku instead.

"I can't imagine that guy as the owner of Kinue's bookstore." Megumi had said truthfully, and Mihoko had giggled. "Well, neither can I. I only saw him once when I went to the bookstore, but that was nearly a few months ago. He didn't even greet me."

"Exactly!" Megumi bobbed her head furiously before adding in pure amazement, "He didn't even know who I was."

Mihoko had been chewing on the straw in her drink, but stopped the moment she heard that. She looked equally confused. "Ha? He didn't know who you were?" She asked in confirmation. "But that's impossible. _Everyone_ knows who you are. Especially in this town, you're like…the pride of our town."

"I'm _not."_ Megumi instantly denied. "And well, apparently he doesn't."

"Well, I say he's lying." Mihoko jabbed a finger into Megumi's arm. "He was probably just keeping his cool, y'know? Some guys are like that."

"I…honestly don't think so."

"See, he did that so that you could remember who he was." Mihoko waved her hand on an imaginary banner in the air. "The Guy Who Didn't Know Who I Was."

Megumi shoved Mihoko by her shoulder gently. "Very funny, Mihoko."

"Laugh all you want, Megumi. But you know I'm right."

"About?"

Mihoko merely gave her a pointed look and went back to chewing on her straw. "Him constantly being in your mind."

Megumi knew it probably wasn't what Mihoko had envisioned. She had seen his expression after all, and there really wasn't a slight ounce of pretence when he saw her. She didn't know if he was just that good in keeping a straight face, or if he had been lying, but one thing that she did know was that Mihoko was right.

She really couldn't seem to get him off her mind.

(end of _part two_ )


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter **_Three_**

* * *

Megumi had awoken in the middle of the night, breathless, her dream vivid in her mind. It was always the same dream over and over again that was causing her to lose sleep. Her dreams usually started off differently, but somehow, they always ended in the same manner—it was her losing the touch of reality because she was too busy pretending to be someone she was not.

* * *

"Oi, _Megumi-san_!"

Megumi has been back in her hometown for nearly two weeks that it was almost a routine she drop by at Mihoko's clinic in the evening, near her closing hour. She knew her best friend was busy, but there was no place else she could go and staying at home would only force her to think of things she didn't want to face yet. Besides, there was no one else she could visit except Mihoko, which was why when Megumi heard her name being called, she was thoroughly surprised to see the familiar face standing in front of her. There was only one person in the entire town who would greet her in that intonation and style—Fujikawa Kazuo, one of her friends from high school.

The clinic was empty that evening, save for Kazuo at the waiting area. He recognised Megumi the moment she walked in, and did not hesitate to call out her name loudly. "You really came back, huh? It's been such a long time!"

"Oh," Megumi had exclaimed in surprise, what are the odds of meeting him here at this hour? "It's you, Fujikawa-san."

" _Fujikawa-san_?" The man with spectacles asked incredulously. "Why are you being so formal with me suddenly? Oi, have you forgotten all that we have gone through together in junior high school?"

"Shut up, Fujikawa!" Mihoko had chosen the right time to walk out from her office, smacking Kazuo squarely behind his head with her file. "You're making Megumi uncomfortable!"

"That hurts, idiot!" Kazuo retorted loudly, rubbing his head. Then, he turned to look at Megumi again before finishing his sentence, "I can't believe you're still friends with this _crazy_ woman."

"Call me crazy again and I'll kick _you_ out from my clinic!"

"Geez woman, I was just joking!"

Megumi couldn't help but smile at the scene in front of her. It was just like how she remembers both of them to be, always bickering and arguing with each other. She missed this, she really did.

"Megumi! Do something about your best friend, will you?"

"Oh forget it, Megumi is always on _my_ side." Mihoko announced rather proudly, throwing a wink at Megumi's direction. "If you're not happy about it, you're welcome to leave."

"That's _unfair_ , you've been hogging her for _days_ and I only just found out she's back. Can't you give me some space?" Kazuo rolled his eyes just as Mihoko stuck her tongue out.

"Well serves you right for not seeing the news!"

"I'm always in the _kitchen_ , Mihoko. You know I barely have time to watch or read the news!"

At the mention of the word 'kitchen' did Megumi remember what Kazuo was doing now with his life. She has forgotten that Kazuo had taken over his father's ramen restaurant. Back when they were young, owning his own restaurant was all that he would talk about. As far as she had known, Kazuo loved cooking since he was little, and was proud he would eventually inherit the ramen restaurant from his father.

Megumi was happy that both her best friends' dreams have come true, though she could not say the same for herself.

"Oh by the way, I invited Kousaku Aizawa over for dinner as well. You remember him right, Mihoko? He's Kinue-san's grandson—"

Megumi was thrown off guard when she heard that name. Granted, she hasn't been thinking of him anymore lately but her memory refreshed almost immediately at the mere mention of his name. _Fujikawa knows him, too?_ She wondered to herself silently.

"You really have the most impeccable timing, Fujikawa." Mihoko waved a hand in the air to interrupt him. She was smirking at Megumi, who didn't seem to catch the expression on her face. Mihoko sighed. "Megumi met him the other day and thought that he was despicable—"

"Hey, I _never_ said that!" Megumi was quick to defend herself, though Mihoko didn't seem to pay any heed.

"—but I'd say she secretly wants to meet him again." Mihoko finishes with a wink and a tap on Kazuo's shoulder. "Good job, my fellow comrade."

Although confused, Kazuo had stood up straight at that compliment. He returned the wink with a wide grin. Megumi could only sigh.

* * *

Because Megumi was afraid of being recognised, Kazuo had arranged for them to eat in a private room in his restaurant. He had been extremely proud of the set-up, which Megumi was grateful for.

"So just sit back and relax while I cook us our dinner, okay?" He announced cheerfully, waving his hand in the air. Megumi beamed at him, it has been a year since she last ate his cooking. There could be several other ramen restaurants in town but none of them could rival the Fujikawa secret recipe which was passed down from generation after another.

"Ha, Megumi-chan, you're back." A woman entered the room carrying a tray of hot green tea. The moment their eyes meet, they were smiling at each other. "Why did it take you so long to drop by?"

"Haruka-chan," Megumi stood up to hug the woman in front of her. "How are you?"

"Just the same, I guess." Haruka answered coolly, giving both females a smile.

Saejima Haruka was one of those girls in her high school whom she knew by name but not in person. She was the most popular girl for a reason; intelligent, charismatic, chic and not to mention, beautiful. Megumi and Mihoko had never spoken a word to her until Kazuo introduced Haruka as his girlfriend several years after. The news caught them both by surprise that they were sure it was a prank and that Kazuo had been joking about it. They knew how much he had liked her in high school, but never knew he would one day manage to thaw the ice in her heart.

And now, Haruka was the lady owner of the Fujikawa Ramen restaurant, handling the accounts and the entire management at the tip of her fingers. Not that Kazuo wasn't a good owner, but Haruka had definitely improved the restaurant's business in general.

Megumi reckoned they make a good team, their personalities balancing each other out although they were polar opposites. Before they could continue their conversation though, two knocks were heard and in entered Aizawa Kousaku. For a moment, Megumi had forgotten that Kazuo had invited him to join them for dinner. She gave him an awkward smile as a greeting.

"Good evening." He said with a curt bow. "Fujikawa told me to come here…"

"Ah yes, Aizawa-san. Have a seat." Haruka gestured at the empty seat beside Megumi, and he accepted it calmly without a word. "I'll check on Kazuo and see if he's done."

"And I need to go to the washroom. Excuse me." Mihoko declared with a smirk, much to Megumi's chagrin. Before Megumi could object or say anything, Mihoko was already tailing Haruka as they exited the room together.

One second past by, then two, then three, until Kousaku cleared his throat to ease the tension in the air. "So…we meet again."

Megumi nodded once in agreement, though surprised he could remember her. "Ah, yes."

"I didn't know you would be here, actually." He continued, "Fujikawa said there was someone I should definitely meet tonight…"

 _Trust him to say that,_ Megumi mentally sighed. "Sorry, I'm not as special as he thinks I am." She attempted a joke, but Kousaku gave no reaction in return. At that, Megumi looked away slowly, suddenly extremely interested in her surrounding. She was halfway begging in her mind for any of her friends to return when Kousaku spoke again, this time, in a careful intonation.

"My grandmother told me you are an actress."

Megumi nearly jumped in her seat at that sudden acknowledgement. Somehow though, she wished he didn't know. "Y-yes, I am."

"Your drama was playing on TV so she made me watch with her." Kousaku paused. "I think you're good."

Megumi wasn't sure if it was the way he worded the sentence, or the way he said it, but she had a feeling that he was coerced to say that and had not genuinely meant it. She suppressed a laugh that was coming from her throat. Somehow, she wasn't the least offended by that implication behind a forced praise.

"But?"

Being in the public's eyes for so long, Megumi was used to both the positive and the negative remarks from people. She had long taught herself not to mind so much what the internet thinks of her, and to ignore the unnecessary negativity. It wasn't that her acting was bad, it was just difficult to please everybody. It took her many years to form the barrier in her heart, to stop herself from tearing up every time someone criticised her. Maybe that was why she no longer felt anything today, her heart was too empty from all the walls she has put up over the years.

"Well, it doesn't feel like there's anything special about you." When Kousaku had said the sentence, Megumi felt an odd pang in her heart—which was surprising since she was used to hearing similar things like that for years.

"I mean, not in _that_ sense." Kousaku quickly corrected himself. "I just don't find anything out of the ordinary about you and say…my grandmother."

It took Megumi some time to really understand what he had meant, but by the time she did, Haruka had returned with Kazuo behind her, both carrying their bowls of ramen. Kazuo had grinned even wider at the sight of Kousaku. "You made it!" He exclaimed out loud, and nearly knocked his tray into Haruka's back.

"Watch it!" Haruka had half glared at her husband, but Megumi was too distracted by what Kousaku said earlier that she missed it. If Mihoko had been around, Kazuo would have been teased endlessly by how much strings Haruka controls in his life. Kazuo didn't seem to mind, though, for he had rushed to take the empty seat opposite Kousaku

"Kousaku-san, this is Shiraishi Megumi." He introduced enthusiastically, though technically he was a few days too late. "You know, the _actress_?"

"Um, you already know that we've met." Megumi timidly puts in, and Kazuo's face fell.

"You mean Mihoko wasn't joking just now? Aw man, I thought I could be the one to introduce you to someone cool for once." He said with a sigh, though Megumi wasn't exactly sure who he had directed that sentence to. Haruka had taken the seat beside him, just as Mihoko re-entered the room.

"What did I miss?" She asked, directing her gaze at Megumi almost immediately.

Megumi knew what Mihoko was interested to know in particular, but she didn't want to give her that satisfaction. Instead, she pointed at the ramen with her chopsticks with a smile and pretended not to understand the underlying meaning behind her sentence. "Food's here!"

Mihoko merely rolled her eyes.

* * *

Self-confidence was something Megumi has always lacked from the start.

Although she was talented, and extremely capable of holding her responsibilities as a well known public figure, she had her days when she felt completely incompetent.

In those days, even the most positive comments wouldn't change what she thought of herself. Those words would bounce off her mind as quickly as she has heard them. They wouldn't linger in her mind long enough for her to realise she was better than she thought she was. It was as though there was a switch in her mind that would render her immune to anything around her.

The switch eventually became permanent without her realising; it wasn't even because of her self-confidence any more. She just got too accustomed to it, knowing full well it was the only way she could survive in this field.

Which was why it was surprising to Megumi that days after the dinner with Aizawa Kousaku, she found herself still thinking of the comment he had made of her that evening.

* * *

Megumi rarely went out except to visit Mihoko, but today, she found herself making her way towards the bookstore she hasn't seen in ten years.

Under the guise of visiting Kinue-san, she had brought along a basket of fruits. But when she reached the bookstore, she found herself hesitating, suddenly nervous. The exterior of the bookstore has been repainted, but other than that everything else looked the same from how Megumi remembers it to be. She didn't know if coming here today was a wise move, perhaps she should wait for another day. Megumi, beginning to regret coming here, took a few steps back and bumped into a person standing behind her.

"Sorry!" She exclaimed loudly, nearly jumping out of her shoes at the sudden contact. Megumi turned around, ready to apologise again when she saw who it was—Aizawa Kousaku.

Kousaku was carrying a pile of books in his hands, his expression remained as stoic as ever. "Shiraishi-san? What are you doing here?" He asked, an eyebrow raised. Even behind those huge sunglasses she was wearing, Kousaku could still recognise her.

Embarassed, Megumi looked away. "I came to visit Kinue-san." She half dangled the basket in the air to show him she was telling the truth (well, _partial_ truth).

"Oh." Kousaku said as he started to walk away into the bookstore. "Come in, then."

Megumi cringed to herself, knowing that her attempt to escape has failed. She slowly followed him into the bookstore, her head hung low.

* * *

Kinue-san was sleeping when Megumi went upstairs. Not wanting to wake her, she placed the basket gently on the table before retreating back down quietly.

She looked around the store for Kousaku and found him behind the counter, tagging some books. He didn't look up when she reappeared, but Megumi was lingering around the counter, trying to decide if she should ask what has been bugging her mind for days.

"Is my grandmother asleep?" Kousaku was the first to break the silence. Megumi nodded instinctively. "Yes, I didn't want to disturb her so I just left the fruits on the table."

"Thanks for bringing my grandmother that. She'll appreciate it." He continued, glancing at her once before going back to what he was doing. Megumi knew it was a cue for her to leave, since he wasn't talking to her anymore. But instead, she began to walk around the store, reminiscing the past and discovering bits of her memories here and there.

"How's managing the bookstore?" Megumi decided to ask out of curiosity. Was it even doing fine, sale-wise? She knew there was another newer, chain of mega bookstore just down the street, that it would seem rather impossible for an independent bookstore to compete with.

"It's okay, I guess." Kousaku replied. "My grandmother loves her bookstore, so I'm definitely going to continue the legacy."

Megumi was slightly at awe. Not many young people these days appreciate a small bookstore business. She reemerged from the shelves and stopped to study Kinue's grandson. Silence filled the air as Megumi felt a lump in her throat. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it almost immediately. There was a reason why she came here the first place, but now that she was actually here, Megumi didn't feel like asking anymore.

"What is it?" Megumi jerked her head up at Kousaku's sudden question. "You look like you have something to say."

She mentally slapped herself, why was she being so obvious? "Um…well…"

Kousaku looked at her then, and Megumi could feel her heart suddenly racing. "Was it what I said that night?" He asked slowly, surprising the latter even further. "I didn't mean to…um…offend you."

She quickly shook her head. Although nervous, Megumi willed herself to speak up. "No, I'm not offended. I just have a question to ask, actually."

Kousaku kept mum, and Megumi took it as a sign to continue.

"You mentioned about how I'm no different than your grandmother. What did you mean by that?"

There was a pause, and then a reply from the man, "I just think you're as normal as anyone else out there in the world."

The explanation was so simple that it felt surreal. Megumi really wished she could believe his words. "If only you were right. It's normal for you because you don't see what I go through each day." She explained softly. "You don't understand what it's like to be me."

"Yeah, you're right. I don't understand how you feel." Kousaku shrugged, his tone as flat as ever. "But that doesn't change my perspective on celebrities."

"Do you…hate them or something?"

"No. Hating and being indifferent are two different things."

"Not many people are like you out there, y'know." She heaved a sigh of envy, wishing more people thought the same way as him. "Want to know a secret? I hate cameras. Every time I think of one, I feel like vomiting."

"If you hate your job so much, why don't you just quit?"

 _Easier said than done,_ Megumi mused. "It's not that simple, Aizawa-san."

He did not waver. "It's only complicated because you make it to be that way."

Megumi found no words to counter that, despite how much she wanted to tell him off for being so ignorant. If it was that easy as he said it to be, Megumi would have stopped ten years ago. But she was too busy chasing after another person's dream to pull herself out from it. In a blink of an eye, 15 years have passed.

Watching Kousaku continue to tag the books without once glancing at her way somehow made her feel better, though. She couldn't explain exactly how, but being in the same room with him gave her a moment of solitude and peace. Perhaps it was because Kousaku didn't seem to care who she was. Perhaps it was because to him, she was just another person passing by. She figured she will never know.

But for now, his indifference towards her was all she needed to feel at ease.

* * *

(end of _part three_ )

 **a/n:** I can't thank you enough for all the comments, especially the ones in Guests. I can't reply you since you're on Guest but I just want to take this opportunity to thank you for reading and reviewing, and telling me what you liked about the chapter. I really appreciate it. I'll try my best to update as frequently as I can, but tomorrow onwards I'll be heading back to my university for the new semester. Don't worry, I won't keep you guys hanging for long! :)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter _**Four**_

* * *

Megumi's mother was worried for her, and she knew that.

Despite that, she was always quick to reassure her mother that she was _fine._ That she came back because she missed her family and friends, and now she just wants to rest. She definitely wasn't lying when she told her mother that. Deep down, however, Megumi knew there was something that was constantly haunting her at the back of her mind. She has a suspicion of what it was, but Megumi convinced herself that if she didn't acknowledge her problem, it would eventually fade away.

If only it was as easy as that. Then she wouldn't even be in this position today.

* * *

Mihoko has been away for a few days because of a seminar she had to attend, leaving Megumi unsure of what to do now that she was 'jobless'. Staying at home was not the best option; the plenty of free time she has would eventually fill her mind with thoughts she'd rather not think about.

And while Megumi adored Kazuo and Haruka, it didn't feel right to intrude their restaurant, especially since there are always so many customers around. Megumi admitted that up until today, she has been doing a good job keeping herself low profile. If she were to visit the Fujikawas, it would open up many risks she wasn't ready to face again.

Which meant, naturally, that there was only one last place she could go to; _Kinue's bookstore_.

Megumi figured that it would be a win-win situation. She will be able to accompany Kinue-san and be in a place where no one would bother who she was. The only obstacle though, was Aizawa Kousaku. She has barely known the man, talked only a few sentences with him, and now she plans on dropping by unannounced from time to time to see his grandmother? It sounded incredulous even in her mind.

She heaved a sigh, lying down on her bed and curling into a ball. Maybe she should just sleep and make up for all the lost hours she couldn't.

Megumi suddenly misses Mihoko. It was so quiet without her. So, _so, quiet_ that she could hear her own heart beating, hear the rush of voices in her mind. They were sprouting nonsensical thoughts in her mind even before she could stop herself. She listened to her own voice for a while, lost in her own thoughts that she didn't even realise her phone was ringing.

It rang for a while, stopped, and rang again a few seconds after.

When Megumi finally broke away from her trance and realised her phone was still ringing, she pulled herself up slowly, unwillingly reaching out for her phone and wondering who it was since there was no caller ID. Hesitantly, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Ah…Shiraishi-san."

For a minute there, Megumi was confused. She didn't recognise the voice on the other line, obviously, but the way the person had spoke seemed awfully familiar…

"It's Aizawa…from the bookstore."

Her eyes widened in pure surprise. "Aizawa-san?" She asked in confirmation, wondering if her ear was playing a prank on her.

"Yes. Sorry to bother you." It really was Kousaku on the other side of the line. "My grandmother wanted me to call you. She wants to invite you over for lunch."

"How did you get my number?" Megumi blurted out before she could stop herself, completely missing the point Kousaku was trying to make. She felt embarrassed almost immediately, biting her lower lip in regret as she smacked her forehead repeatedly.

"Oh," Kousaku's tone was still the same. "I got it from Fujikawa."

"I…see." Megumi prayed that he was the only person Fujikawa had given her number to. But she continued. "I'm sorry, I was just surprised."

"It's okay. My grandmother was wondering who sent the fruits. I told her it was you and well, she wants to meet you."

Megumi has this feeling that Aizawa was only calling her because his grandmother had forced him to. It still surprised her though, given the timing and how just a moment ago she was thinking of going to the bookstore. "I see. Please tell Kinue-san that I'll drop by later, then." She hesitated. "If…it's alright with you?"

"Yes." Kousaku was curt even on the phone. "I'll let my grandmother know."

* * *

Kinue's face lit up in delight the second she saw Megumi at her doorway. She thought Kousaku was only joking when he told her she was dropping by soon for lunch, but seeing her again at her home, for real, surprised her in a good way.

"Megumi-chan!" She exclaimed, clasping her hands together happily. It still felt surreal to be honest somehow, seeing her regular child customer so grown up and lady-like. Whenever she had tuned in to watch Megumi's dramas, she had already wondered how fast time flew by. Little Shiraishi Megumi who was always in pigtails was now an established actress loved by so many people!

"Kinue-san." Megumi greeted back politely. "I hope you're doing well."

"I am, dear child." Kinue replied with a huge smile. "I was just telling Kousaku how grateful I was that you came by with the fruits. You should have woke me up! I felt sorry that you left so quickly."

Megumi quickly shook her head. "Oh no, don't be. It really wasn't a trouble at all, I was actually in the neighbourhood that time…" She lied as smoothly as she could, hoping that Kinue-san would not feel guilty about not welcoming her then.

"Have you eaten?" Kinue asked, making her way slowly to the kitchen. "I told Kousaku to invite you over for lunch, but realised a little too late that the dishes may not be to your liking."

Megumi followed Kinue, reaching out immediately to grab the bowl from the grandmother's hands. "Ah, let me do it, Kinue-san. I'm sure I'd like whatever it is you're eating."

Just then, Kousaku emerged from the staircase. He had just closed the bookstore for lunch, saying nothing to the guest in their house. Megumi darted a gaze at him immediately, a blush creeping its way onto her cheeks. "Aizawa-san, er…"

Kousaku made his way towards both females, taking over what his grandmother was doing as he patiently told her to sit down. Kinue-san obediently complied, still smiling as she watched her grandson and Megumi huddling together near the rice cooker.

"Oh, not so much." Megumi had quickly said to Kousaku who was scooping rice into her bowl, and Kinue-san raised an eyebrow. "Megumi-chan, if you don't eat more, you're going to become even skinner!"

"Ah." Megumi shifted her look immediately at the grandmother who was no longer smiling. Embarrassed, she turned back to Kousaku. "Um, okay. Maybe just a bit more. Thanks."

Kinue was still frowning even when Megumi took the seat opposite hers. She immediately peered at the rice in her bowl. "Do they starve you like this in Tokyo?" Kinue tsked, feeling a surge of dissatisfaction before she could control herself. _Why, no wonder all celebrities look like they haven't eaten in months_ , she thought to herself.

"No, no." Megumi quickly shook her hands. "It's not like that. I have to…um…I'm…"

She almost said she was on a diet, but the truth was, Megumi had forgotten she was no longer working. That she was on a break. She was so used to being careful with her meals, eating only food that are healthy so that she wouldn't gain unnecessary weight, that even though she was on her hiatus, Megumi wasn't eating as much as she ought to. She flashed an apologetic look at Kinue, just as Kousaku returned to the table with his grandmother's bowl of rice and his own.

Kinue wasn't even listening to her anymore, but rather, she was piling Megumi's bowl with the meat Kousaku had cooked earlier. Megumi could only stare in pure amusement, speechless.

" _Itadakimasu_." Kousaku said, and Megumi followed suit a second later. Kinue looked satisfied at how full Megumi's bowl looked now, finally smiling again.

As Megumi started eating in silence, she saw how Kousaku was putting vegetables in his grandmother's bowl, even cutting the meat into smaller pieces before pushing the plate closer to Kinue. For some reasons, his actions warmed her heart. She hadn't eaten a meal with a doting grandchild in years that she had forgotten what it felt like to have a grandparent to care for; both her paternal and maternal grandparents had passed away some time ago.

Megumi didn't even realise she was tearing up, only noticing when Kinue was suddenly startled before exclaiming, "Are you all right, Megumi-chan? Why are you crying?"

Kousaku immediately turned to look at Megumi, who had quickly wiped her tears away. "It's nothing, really. I'm fine, don't worry, Kinue-san." She said with an assuring smile. Kousaku observed her quietly, how she had looked away, hands slightly trembling as she bit her lower lip to suppress the sob that Kousaku was sure was coming out from her chest.

"Sorry, if you would just excuse me for one moment." Megumi still managed to string a proper sentence before leaving the table in a haste.

Kousaku could only stare at her back as she rushed into the washroom.

* * *

"Sorry. I'm not usually emotional like that."

After reassuring Kinue-san that she was fine, that she just missed her grandparents, Megumi had retreated downstairs to talk to the quiet man whose house she had intruded. Kousaku was busy arranging the books today, and had not even notice she was behind him when she started apologising.

He turned around, an eyebrow raised as she saw a flustered looking Megumi. Her eyes were on the floor, naturally.

"It's fine, really." Kousaku answered, unsure of what else to say or do. He wasn't used to a situation like this, to be honest, since he was never this close—in proximity—to a woman other than his grandmother before.

"I…I thought of my own grandmother when I saw you…taking care of yours." Megumi admitted softly. She couldn't find the will to look at him, since she knew he must have been startled at her sudden burst of emotions earlier. If the ground could open up and swallow her whole, she would greatly appreciate it.

"I don't remember when was the last time I cared for mine."

As soon as the words came out from her mouth, Megumi felt ashamed. The man in front of her was a doting, loving grandson, after all. He may not have many expressions like her, may not talk as eloquently as she does, but Aizawa Kousaku loved his grandmother with all his heart. And somehow, she felt awful about herself.

She didn't remember the last time she cared for her own grandmother because she was never there for her in the first place. The moment she had graduated from high school, Megumi had been whisked off to Tokyo to focus full time on her acting career, leaving everything and everyone behind. Because she was busy memorising her script, busy trying to improve her skills, busy attending talk shows, Megumi had allowed many phone calls to go into her voicemail.

It haunts her even till this day; that one phone call she managed to answer on the way to her next schedule. It was her mother, her voice sombre as she sobbed over the phone to deliver the forlorn news that her grandmother had passed away. She didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Shiraishi-san?"

His voice snapped her back into reality as Megumi finally looked up to meet his somewhat worried gaze. "Can I ask you something?" Megumi thought her ears were deceiving her. Was Aizawa Kousaku actually _curious_ about her?

She nodded without a word. Megumi saw that he was frowning, as if trying to decide if he should proceed with his question. She waited patiently, urging him to continue with a raised eyebrow.

"Does Hiyama-san or Fujikawa-san know about your condition?"

Megumi was taken aback by that question which made no sense. "What do you mean?"

"Something about you seems… off." Kousaku had stopped arranging the books so he could look at her properly. "And I'm not just talking about what happened earlier."

She was speechless, to say the least. What was he trying to imply?

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but…I've been observing you." Kousaku admitted cooly, causing Megumi's eyes to widen in pure surprise. "When my grandmother told me you were an actress, she also showed me the news of your…hiatus announcement."

In an instant, Megumi felt her heartbeat increasing, though she remained mum.

"You told the press that this was something you had to do, but you wouldn't elaborate on that matter. Your body language said it all that you were keeping something from the public." Once he started, Kousaku found it hard to stop. "And the day when we first met in the hospital, you were agitated when my grandmother suggested I help you with your insomnia."

Megumi could feel the rush of blood into her brain, her heart still hammering against her chest. "I…I didn't want to bother you." She attempted to explain, but Kousaku was already shaking his head.

"The other day, you told me you hated cameras." did Kousaku really remember everything that had occurred between the both of them? Megumi was befuddled and amazed at the same time. "But I honestly don't think that's what you hate."

Megumi was now a tad bit annoyed. She raised her voice slightly, " _Excuse me_?"

"You hate _yourself._ Or at least, you hate the person the job has _made_ you to be." Kousaku said it in a matter of fact tone. "More than ever, you hate what is happening inside of you." This time, he said it as slowly and carefully as he could, knowing full well he was threading on dangerous water. "And no matter what, you refuse to admit that you need help because _you're in denial_."

Kousaku's words were like a slap to her face—she was so stunned she could barely say a word. Her heart was palpitating. She was sweating, her whole body trembling. Even then, Megumi willed herself not to look away, hot, angry tears started to form in her eyes again.

" _How dare you?"_ Megumi forced the sentence out in between gritted teeth. She was beginning to lose her patience. "You barely even know me, but now you're sprouting out nonsense about me as if you've known me for life."

Kousaku crossed his arms, unfazed by her remark.

"That day in the hospital was really awkward between us." Megumi continued, her fist clenched so tightly her knuckles were beginning to turn white. "I didn't want to stick around because I wanted to get away from you. That was it. How did you even come to the conclusion that I was in _denial?_ Of what, even?"

Kousaku did not answer, which somehow infuriated her even more. "I am perfectly _fine_ , Aizawa-san. I _don't_ need your concern nor your pity. I can take care of myself."

Megumi had turned around to leave. She was only a few steps away from the door, but she barely made it halfway through when Kousaku said something which halted her movement immediately.

"You don't have to pretend you're always strong." He had said out loud, "You don't have to carry this burden alone. Keeping it to yourself will only worsen your condition."

Megumi didn't turn to look at him, but she was shaking her head. "I _don't_ have a condition." She persisted stubbornly. Kousaku could only sigh as he took a step towards her.

"There's a reason why you're back home. And it's not just wanting a simple break from stardom. Shiraishi-san, if you don't admit that there is something wrong with you, no one is going to be able to help you."

"I _told_ you, loud and clear," She snapped, "that _nothing_ is wrong with me. Why can't you just let it go? You don't even know me, we just met not long ago and now you're—" She couldn't explain why, but Megumi suddenly couldn't continue her sentence. Her throat was constricting, the tears coming back. Her heart was aching so badly that she had to clutch her hands together against her chest, wanting for it to stop, just _stop hurting._

"You don't have to pretend you're all right if you're not." Kousaku had lowered his voice, hoping silently that his words would go through to her, and that Megumi would finally acknowledge her mental illness and seek help from the hospital. There was just something about the actress he couldn't exactly pinpoint, but it made him want to care. Perhaps it's the loneliness he could see in her eyes, the sadness behind every smile he saw her put on. Perhaps it was because when he saw her, he didn't just see an actress, but Shiraishi Megumi, a friend of her grandmother and friend, a woman in need of help.

"It's…not something to be proud of. It's a flaw." Megumi whispered so softly that he almost missed it.

"It is perfectly normal to have flaws, Shiraishi-san." Kousaku mumbled back in return, wanting to convince her that it was fine to feel this way. "If you think not dealing with your problem is going to solve it, then you're wrong. It will only bug you until you cannot take it anymore." It was almost as if he could read her, all the worries etched in the deepest recesses of her mind. "I don't think anyone wants to see that happen to you."

"It's time you put yourself first, Shiraishi-san."

Megumi didn't— _couldn't_ say anything.

* * *

That night, as Megumi was trying to fall asleep, Kousaku's words rang repeatedly in her mind. They hit too close to her heart that she found herself pondering, questioning herself.

She was tired of being in a constant denial with her true feelings. She had lied so many times to protect others, to not burden them with what she was going through that she had forgotten to take care of herself. She was so sure of it—this constant black cloud hanging over her head—would eventually go away, so why tell people about it and worry them even more?

But Kousaku was right. All this act of pretending to be fine when she wasn't, was finally taking a toll on her. She knew that every lie she has said was going to come back and haunt her. He was right. Nothing will change if she doesn't do anything about it.

 _Tomorrow,_ Megumi finally told herself, _I will go to the hospital._

* * *

 **a/n:** why do i torture myself like this So sorry for the one week wait! (Though I'm really happy to see an influx in shiraishi/aizawa fics, kekeke.) As usual, I just want to thank everyone for your comments as they greatly motivate me to continue writing. Thank you! One last episode of code blue left :(


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter _**Five**_

* * *

From time to time, Hiyama Mihoko would drop by at the town hospital to visit her mentor, Dr Mitsui Kanna. She owed her that much for moulding her to be the doctor she was today. If it wasn't because her uncle had insisted in passing down his clinic to her, Mihoko was convinced she'd stay behind in the hospital and worked alongside her mentor.

Mihoko had arrived ten minutes earlier than her scheduled appointment with Dr Mitsui. She expected her to still be busy doing her rounds, or perhaps even in surgery, so she didn't bother going up to her office yet. Instead, Mihoko had lingered in the lobby area, looking around at the patients that morning and wondering just how much she had missed the hospital. It was nice to have her own clinic of course, but there was something about being in the hospital that gave her a rush of adrenaline. It was sometimes a little _too_ peaceful at the clinic.

"Eh?" Mihoko's train of thoughts was interrupted when she spotted a familiar figure entering the hospital. She squinted her eyes for a closer look, frowning, and realising immediately that it was Megumi, her best friend.

Megumi, as usual, was dressed in plain colours. She wore a baseball cap over her head, but Mihoko could easily recognise her even from afar. She sprang from her seat, wanting to call her name, but Megumi was too far away.

"Oh, maybe she's back to get her insomnia medication." Mihoko reasoned to herself, remembering how she had insisted for Megumi to get proper treatment for her inability to sleep. She scratched her chin, immediately wondering if her friend had gotten better. Curious, Mihoko started walking towards her, following Megumi behind in a distance. "Hey!" She called out, but Megumi didn't seem to hear her.

Mihoko didn't manage to catch up with her as Megumi had disappeared into an elevator. She halted in front of the one Megumi had gotten on, glancing briefly at the floor which the elevator had stopped at. She frowned again. "Did I see her entering the right elevator?" She questioned herself, eyes on the gleaming figure of L1.

"But Dr Matsuda's office is L3…" She mumbled to herself. "What's on L1 again?" Mihoko darted a glance at the floor chart, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. She couldn't seem to understand why Megumi had gotten off on the floor for psychiatrists and psychologists.

Unless…

Mihoko's eyes widened as a sudden realisation hit her. "No, It _can't_ be…"

* * *

Mihoko was treating her last patient of that day when her nurse popped her head in to tell her that Megumi has arrived. The former merely nodded at the nurse, dismissing her before turning to the child on the seat. The child had fever, but her mother looked so worried that if Mihoko wasn't a doctor, she would have thought the child was suffering from a serious illness she didn't know of.

At that thought, she stopped mid-sentence in her explanation to the child's mother, suddenly unable to concentrate. After she came back from the hospital, Mihoko's mind had been preoccupied with many thoughts, none of which were related to her patients for the day.

"Dr Hiyama?" The child's mother began to panic again. "Is there something wrong with the report? Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Sorry." Mihoko was quick to apologise, shaking her thoughts away before putting on a smile for the mother. "Do not worry about Shiho-chan. She's absolutely fine. I'll prescribe some medication for her and her fever should go away in a day or two."

When the mother and the child left the consultation room, Mihoko slumped into her seat. It wasn't exactly a long day, she had shifts that went for hours without a break, patients with much more complications than the ones she had today. But even so, she was tired. Extremely, mentally exhausted by what she had learned today from her small, innocent trip to the hospital.

There were two soft knocks on her door, and Mihoko found herself sighing mentally. She knew who it was behind the door, so she stood to greet her. Normally, Mihoko would throw a smile or a sarcastic comment at her direction, but today, she couldn't bring herself to do any of that.

"Mihoko, how was your seminar?" Megumi had asked the first thing she stepped into the office, ready with a smile Mihoko was so familiar with. Yet, in all that familiarity and years of knowing her, Mihoko felt sad realising she didn't know her as much as she thought she does. She was looking at her, how Megumi was genuinely smiling at her, and it frustrates Mihoko that she couldn't see past all those smiles she has given her, all the times she had asked about her day but never elaborated on hers. It upsets her that despite being a doctor, she could still miss all those important signs.

"Megumi." Mihoko decided not to answer, but went straight to what has been troubling her mind for the whole day. "What were you doing in the hospital today?"

"Ha?" Megumi blurted out, unable to mask the shock that was spreading on her face. "How did you know I was at the hospital?"

There was a long pause. Megumi could see that Mihoko was in a bad mood; she wasn't smiling, her expression showed that she was frustrated and angry over something…

"I was there this morning. I saw you." Mihoko began calmly, but it was enough to prompt Megumi to look down in reflex. "Why were you at the Psychiatrist Centre?"

"I—" Megumi couldn't continue. It surprised her that Mihoko would find out she went there, and she felt no reason to lie to her best friend, so she kept silent.

"I talked to the nurses there, after you left. I am _lucky_ enough, I guess, to know someone from that department." Mihoko was trying her best to keep herself from bursting in anger. "Because if I didn't, I probably wouldn't have known at all that you're _sick_."

Megumi had her eyes on the floor, hands clutched together. "I…I was going to tell you."

"And when was _that_ going to happen?" Mihoko scoffed before she could stop herself. "You are suffering from _depression_ and you didn't think I should know?"

"I didn't want to burden you, Mihoko!" Megumi had raised her voice exasperatedly. She willed herself to look at Mihoko, to let her know she was genuine, even though part of her just wanted to escape from this confrontation. It was one thing having to deal with this in front of Kousaku yesterday, but another to admit this to her best friend.

 _"_ _What?"_ Mihoko exploded at that, clearly livid. " _Burden_ me? Why, did you think I was that cold-hearted that I wouldn't possibly care for my best friend?" She raked a hand through her hair in frustration, suddenly wanted to just laugh out loud at this whole situation. "For years, I have _watched_ the news and _read_ the tabloids in between breaks to know how my best friend was doing. I tried my best to catch up on all the dramas you were in, because I thought that would be the only way I could support you. What sort of best friend am I if I can't do that at the very least?"

Megumi was unsurprised by her friend's outburst, though it made her feel small immediately. "Mihoko…"

"Whenever we found the time to call each other, even if it was for 5 minutes, I would complain about how tiring being a doctor is, how painful it was to deal with families of deceased patients, not because I wanted to show off, but because I _wanted_ you to know that despite we being miles apart, we can still _tell_ each other anything."

Hearing that, there was a turmoil of emotions in Megumi's heart, all jumbled up to form incoherent thoughts. She was suddenly sorry for not understanding her best friend, despite everything they've gone through together. Sorry to have lied right into her face, when she deserved every right to know how she felt.

"I thought this feeling was mutual, but apparently you only want to share all the good news with me, but none otherwise." Mihoko was suppressing the anger inside her. She knew that Megumi hadn't intended to hurt her, but it didn't change the fact that it still hurts. "Am I that untrustworthy, Megumi?"

"It's not like that." Megumi attempted to explain, her voice small. She couldn't bear the thought of her friend blaming herself for something she had done, yet nothing else was coming out from her mouth.

"I am a _doctor_ , and your best friend. I am supposed to know you _best_." Mihoko was trembling now, her voice had gotten softer. "And yet, _all_ I could make out from your condition was that you're suffering from _insomnia._ What sort of doctor does that make me? What sort of best friend am I?"

"It's _not_ your fault," Megumi could see the guilt on her friend's face, and it hurts her that it was because of _her._ "I was good at hiding it, after all. I didn't want to admit anything is wrong with me because that would mean telling people that this seemingly _perfect_ life of mine is all just a _facade_. Or that I am not strong enough to overcome this. I thought if I didn't acknowledge it, I can pretend it never existed. But I was _wrong._ " She was rambling now, wanting very much for Mihoko not to beat herself too much for not realising there was something wrong with her.

"I'm really sorry, Mihoko." She half pleaded, tears starting to spill. "I never intended to hurt you. I was lost in trying to protect everyone around me that I didn't know I'd end up hurting them instead."

Mihoko glanced at Megumi, inwardly sighing the moment she saw the tears in her eyes. It pained her whenever she thought of Megumi going through this alone, pained her that she wasn't there for her when she needed her most.

"Ah, stop crying! You look ugly when you cry!" Mihoko said haughtily, though she herself was close to bursting into tears as well.

Megumi wiped the tears away with the back of her hand, finding no strength to look at her friend. "I'm sorry for making you feel this way."

"Idiot! Stop apologising!" Mihoko's voice trembled as she looked up, blinking rapidly so that the tears in her eyes would go away. In lieu to that came a period of unbreachable silence. It was after a long pause that Mihoko reached out and pulled Megumi into a hug, her voice now soft.

 _"_ _My poor Megumi, you've suffered a lot."_

Megumi was afraid to say anything, because she knew if she opened her mouth, she wouldn't be able to suppress the loud sobs that she had locked tightly in her heart.

"I know you're strong," She heard Mihoko saying, her words resonated with what Kousaku had told her. "but from today onwards, we're in this together. Do you hear me?"

Megumi nodded slowly against Mihoko's shoulder, staining her shirt with her tears as she hugged her best friend tighter.

* * *

In between taking her medication and visiting her psychiatrist, Megumi was dragged into what Mihoko called as a 'healing trip'. Her best friend had planned this out of the blue before roping Kazuo and Haruka into it as well. To top it off, Megumi was surprised to see Kousaku with them, though the latter didn't look like he had willingly agreed to join them for this short trip.

"I just thought he should come too, y'know? Since he was the one who knocked some senses into you." Mihoko explained blandly, casting a wink at her friend's direction before pushing her towards the quiet man by the car.

"Umm…good afternoon, Aizawa-san." Megumi greeted him politely, as she always does. Kousaku nodded in return, his expression remained unreadable as always. "Good afternoon."

She didn't know what else to say, but she remained rooted in her spot beside him. She watched how Kazuo was helping Haruka load things into the car, how Mihoko had gotten into the driver's seat and adjusting the radio to the station of her choice. It seemed just like any other small road trip, to be honest, if Megumi didn't know this was intended for her in the first place.

"I see you've told them." Kousaku broke the silence suddenly, Megumi quickly darted a look back at his direction. "Eh?" She was mildly confused at first, but then it struck her mind on what he had meant. "Oh, _that_."

"What was their reaction to it?"

After the whole incident of Mihoko finding out by chance that she was depressed, Megumi had decided to come clean to Kazuo and Haruka as well. She figured they deserved to know just as much, seeing how they were her close friends in town. Haruka had taken in the information quite well, assuring her that they would always be there for her no matter what. Despite being worried, she had been cool about it, not wanting Megumi to feel awful about herself.

Kazuo, on the other hand, had a slightly more dramatic reaction compared to his wife. He had been silent for the longest of time that Megumi felt uneasy—it was weird seeing him so quiet, after all. But then, Kazuo starting sprouting things that didn't quite make any sense, like asking Megumi to stay with them, or to help out in their restaurant. She understood his intention well, but it didn't stop her from chuckling to herself when Haruka smacked him and told him to stop talking.

"They took it quite well, actually." Megumi cleared her throat, a small smile on her lips. "I don't deserve them, obviously."

"You're doing it again." Kousaku wasn't looking at her to know she was once again blaming herself for something she couldn't foresee. "It's not about whether you deserve them or not. They love you. That's all that matters."

There was just something about him that Megumi couldn't quite explain, but hearing that from him made her relieved. She was comfortable just standing beside him, even if they weren't talking.

As they began to enter into the car, Megumi reached out to tug the sleeve of his t-shirt gently. He halted, turning his head slightly.

"Aizawa-san," She began softly. "Thank you."

Kousaku's expression softened. She noticed the small upturn from the corner of his mouth, which surprised her seeing how it was the first time she actually saw him attempting to smile.

"You're welcome." He said a beat later, and Megumi smiled back in return.

* * *

Megumi hadn't felt this happy and relaxed in a long time.

It was so easy for her to smile, to laugh whenever she was surrounded by her close friends. Kazuo himself played a huge part in getting her to grin, that in just one night, she'd forgotten all her troubles and worries. Megumi left no room for any dark thoughts to invade her mind.

And even though the man barely said a word throughout the trip, Megumi was grateful Kousaku agreed to follow them. His presence gave her a sort of solace she couldn't exactly explain, as she wasn't too sure herself. Mihoko, however, seemed to have an idea of why she liked having him around that much, though the doctor pretended she didn't notice anything.

Megumi's heart was bursting with joy, it was a feeling she has long forgotten. After years of pretending she was fine, this was the one time she actually felt like she _truly_ was fine. Hearing Kazuo's tone deaf singing, watching Mihoko yell at Kazuo to stop, observing Haruka's eyes that gleamed with affection even if her husband's singing was terrible…they were all the littlest things she had once appreciated, but forgotten how. Even when the three of them went away for a while to buy things for their mini campfire, Megumi was completely at ease with Kousaku being beside her, sipping his beer slowly.

"It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?" She was the first to break the silence in the air. Her eyes were trained on the night sky and the moon which shone above them beautifully, her smile serene.

"It is." Kousaku agreed, turning his head to look at her direction. "You seem happy."

"That's because I am, Aizawa-san." Megumi gave a low chuckle as her eyes met his. "I haven't felt this happy in forever."

"I can see that," He nodded once. "You have a beautiful smile."

Megumi was glad it was nighttime, for she was sure her cheeks were heating up from the compliment she has just heard. There was an odd sense of warmth in her heart that she didn't understand, even if she has heard of such a comment many times from the public.

"It really is because of all of you."

Kousaku didn't reply to that, though she caught him smiling slightly.

They sat in a comfortable silence, hearts nearly beating in unison. All she could think of was how grateful she was to have such wonderful friends; people who would go miles for her, people who loved her more than she could ever love herself. Megumi was grateful she had people like that by her side.

Her happiness, however, lasted for only a few hours.

* * *

 _"_ _Breaking news! Actress Shiraishi Megumi (33) was spotted enjoying her time recently in Gappo Park with a non-celebrity man. Many questions have been raised from those photographs, all of them coming to the same conclusion; was Shiraishi's hiatus from the entertainment industry in relation to her being in love? Is she sacrificing her career for this man? Are they in a relationship?"_

* * *

 _(end of part 5)_

 **a/n:** This fic will come to an end soon with just one chapter left! Again, many thanks to everyone who has read/review/recommended this fic to another, I truly appreciate your interest in this humble AU of mine (that somehow turned out to be so angst oh god). I wished I can reply to all of your comments, but since they're on Guests I can't so please please please know that I read every review and they all really do motivate and warm my heart to continue writing, so THANK YOU. Now, let's wait for CB The Movie to be out! :D


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter _**Six**_

(finale)

* * *

It was impossible for Megumi not to have found out about the latest gossip in town.

The moment she woke up, there were already more than ten missed calls, all of which were from her manager. When she returned his call, the first thing that had came out from his mouth was _what on earth are you thinking, Shiraishi?_

She had been confused, of course, terribly so. She hadn't done anything wrong, what was her manager saying?

But it became clear to her then, once she opened her internet browser on her phone and found the top latest news on the front page of the entertainment section.

 _[BREAKING NEWS!] Is Actress Shiraishi Megumi in a relationship?_

The second she read the news, Megumi forgot how to breathe.

* * *

Mihoko had been lingering around her clinic's waiting area when she caught her friend's name on the television. She had whipped her head up instantaneously, praying that her ears had deceived her and that she didn't hear the word _in a relationship_ together with her best friend's name publicised on nationwide television.

But her ears weren't wrong, neither were her eyes. She stared at the screen in mock horror, jaw dropping as she saw how everyone in the clinic were also looking at the television in surprise. Her nurse casted a glance into her direction, then back at the television before picking up the phone to make a few calls.

"Dr. Hiyama," Her nurse called out calmly. It took everything for Mihoko to tear her gaze at the news on screen. "I've rescheduled your 10AM appointment to an hour later."

It was a gesture she didn't expect, but Mihoko was grateful. "Thank you." She merely said, before rushing into her office to grab her things.

* * *

There were repeated knocks on her door, but Megumi pretended she didn't hear them. She had spent more than an hour reading different news portals which had reported her alleged relationship, and the only conclusion she could make was that her manager was right.

What on earth was she thinking? Agreeing to go out on the trip like that, spending the whole evening out in the public for everyone to see. As if she wasn't a public figure, as if she was just a woman next door.

Her phone was purposely changed to silent mode, but she knew both Mihoko and Kazuo hadn't stopped calling her ever since the news were publicised on media platforms. She didn't answer any of their calls. As selfish as it could be, she just wanted to be alone.

"Megumi, could you please open the door?"

It was Mihoko on the other side of her door, voice raised and agitated, but Megumi couldn't pull herself up to let her in. "I'm fine, please go back to work." She shouted back, her eyes never leaving the words on her phone. Megumi shut her eyes tightly, wishing that this was all just a dream, that she would wake up and realise everything was not real, that this wasn't happening to her.

"Megumi, I won't say anything. I just need to know if you're all right!" Mihoko persisted stubbornly, her knocks getting louder and harder. Even Megumi's mother was telling her to open the door for them, how all of this wasn't going to go away if she remained hidden in her room.

"Megumi, I need to be back in my clinic in twenty minutes, _please_ just let me see that you're okay."

Finally, she relented with a heavy sigh. Purely because she didn't want her friend's trip all the way to her house to be futile. She could immediately see the relief in both Mihoko and her mother's faces when she unlocked the door and came face to face with them. "I'm not going to do anything stupid." Megumi simply said, eyes avoiding those of her loved ones. Her heart felt extremely heavy; not knowing what to do, now. All she wanted was to remove herself gradually from the limelight, not appear on the front page of the news again for all the wrong reasons.

"I'm sorry. If I hadn't suggested the trip…" Mihoko couldn't finish her sentence. She felt awful about putting her friend in this position, even if it wasn't intended to be so. "You should clarify to the public, let them know Aizawa-san's just a friend. That would solve all problems, right?"

Megumi was a lot calmer than she had expected. She shook her head slowly. "It won't. The damage is done, Mihoko."

"But…I don't understand. They only need to know you're just friends for the rumor to go away, won't it?"

"Have you read the comments online?" Megumi didn't know how she could still manage a small smile towards her friend. "Most of them are calling me selfish, a liar. They aren't going to believe me even if I tell them Aizawa-san and I are just friends."

"Megumi," There was a slight shift in Mihoko's tone, it was now one that mirrored hesitancy, and confusion. "I don't understand why you can't just tell the public that you wanted a break because of your depression."

The word made Megumi flinched, especially in the presence of her mother. Megumi's mother had known of this not too long ago, and it had broke her. To hear it once again was another stab to her heart. Her mother took a step back without a word, leaving both of them alone in the room.

"Why must you say that out loud?" Megumi asked sombrely.

"My priority is to make you feel better. I don't think getting yourself caught up in an untrue scandal is going to help." Mihoko replied firmly, though deep down, her heart was aching too. She wished she didn't have to mention the 'd' word, but it was a reality they cannot escape from. "You have to tell them, Megumi. You need to tell them the truth."

Megumi simply shook her head. "I can't do that."

Mihoko frowned, opening her mouth to counter that when suddenly, a voice interrupted both of them. "Listen to Hiyama-san."

Megumi was shocked to find Kousaku in her house, stopping just right behind Mihoko by the door. He had his arms crossed, his expression the usual stoic one. It didn't take a genius to know that Mihoko had called him over to talk to her.

"Aizawa-san…I'm sorry you're caught up in this mess." Megumi could only apologise, knowing how aggressive reporters could get. She was sure he had bumped into a few reporters ever since the news came out, and that the experience could not have been a pleasant one. She hoped there weren't any reporters surrounding the bookstore, it worries her that Kinue-san might be disturbed, as well.

"You have to tell them, Shiraishi." Kousaku continued, unfazed by Megumi's apology. "As what Hiyama-san said."

"I _can't._ " Megumi responded, ignoring Mihoko's frustrated expression. "If I do, my reputation will be tainted."

It was slightly ironic, given that Megumi's reputation was _already_ tainted. But somehow, to her, she felt it was better to be in a dating scandal than it was confessing to the entire world that she was ill.

"Is your reputation really more important than your health?" Kousaku asked, a hint of disappointment in his tone.

"It's not that." Megumi sighed, mustering all the remaining energy she has left to explain to them her situation. "Being a celebrity, you don't just belong to yourself. You belong to all those fans who have supported you, those fans that have bought your albums, or queue for hours to attend your fan meet. You owe it all to them that you're successful today."

"Don't you think your fans deserve to know about your condition?" He persisted with a frown. Kousaku was trying to understand her situation, he really was. Mihoko on the other hand, had become silent. She knew Megumi would not listen to her, but maybe she would still listen to _him._

"It's better for them to think I'm normal and in love," Megumi retorted a little too aggressively, her hands trembling with fear. "than being sick and struggling with my life decisions. How do you think they would feel if I come out and tell them I hate my career? They can call me a liar, a selfish person, but the last thing I would want for them is to think they've been betrayed, that they've wasted their time investing on someone who never even liked what she was doing in the first place!"

By the end of her sentence, Megumi had exploded in bits of fury and frustration. She was close to tears, but she held it in, not wanting to crumble in front of both her friends. Megumi's eyes met those of Mihoko, whose expression was pained, and her gaze began to waver.

Kousaku though, didn't seem to show any signs of backing down. He took a step forward, closer to Megumi before saying in a matter-of-fact tone, "We had this conversation before, Shiraishi."

" _No_ ," She replied sharply, swallowing the lump in her throat. "that was about me accepting my condition and getting the treatment that I need. This is different."

By then, Mihoko has blended in with the background. Neither of the two individuals even glanced at her; both of them were staring down at each other with steely gazes. Megumi's face had turned red, and it definitely wasn't because she was shy or nervous. Mihoko couldn't see Aizawa's expression, but from the look of how confident he was standing, he wasn't going to back down definitely.

"If you're not going to acknowledge it in public, then that's _not_ accepting your condition at all."

" _Why_ are you doing this? _Why_ are you pushing me over the edge?"

"Because I care about you!" Kousaku raised his voice, his usual calm tone forgotten in the midst of caring. "Do you think I asked for any of this to happen to me? I met you by chance, and I realised I want to help you. I really, really want to help you, but…"

Megumi was stunned at that confession, suddenly lost for words. Her heart was pounding against her chest, so fast, she had to place a hand over her chest to calm herself down. Kousaku's gaze softened at that long pause, and that was how she knew he wasn't lying, that he meant all those words. She could see it in his eyes, how they were pleading for her to understand what he was trying to tell her, to embrace her fear with dignity.

"But if you don't help yourself, then I won't be able to help you."

* * *

There was barely any time for Megumi to decide what her next step would be, for after her two friends left her house, her manager, Ishida, had appeared at her doorstep. Although he maintained his politeness with the rest of her family members, his dark expression gave away his true feelings of this whole situation. Megumi didn't blame him, though. For all her manager knew, he would have thought the same with everyone else in the nation—that she went on a hiatus just so she could meet her boyfriend.

Kousaku's words echoed in her mind as she invited her manager into her house. She knew it was impossible to hide things from her manager now that he would demand to know everything from A to Z. So Megumi brought Ishida to her father's study, and began confessing.

It was difficult having to recount everything again, but Megumi knew this wouldn't be the last time she has to say those words she so hated. But she braved on, and kept going, thinking of her friends in her mind, her family, especially her worried mother, and even Kinue-san, whom she knew would have wanted her to be free from her own demons.

Ishida was stunned, to say the least. Hearing all those from someone he had taken into his own wings and practically watched grew up. He was horrified to learn that Megumi has been suffering alone all these years, and was completely speechless. He was the closest being to a family in Tokyo, and he loved her like his own daughter.

He was immediately ridden with guilt, remembering all the times he had pushed projects into her hands even though it was clear there were reluctancy on her face. If only he knew, then he wouldn't have forced her—but it was too late for all that, he could only apologise.

Megumi shook her head. "Don't be, as I've said to everyone else around me. It isn't your obligation to know how I feel. And I wasn't ready to talk about it, too."

Her manager heaved a sigh. "That doesn't change the fact that it hurts me, Megumi. You going through all this pain. I really wished I caught on with the signs."

She kept mum, then, her head bowed low.

"What do you…what do you plan to do, now?" He was hesitant, but he had no choice but to ask that question. It was the reason why he was here in the first place, anyway. People are demanding for answers; their agency, her fans, and it definitely wasn't good to be all silent about it.

"Someone told me I should confess to everyone." Megumi admitted, her voice small. "Deep down in my heart, I know I should do just that. But…I'm scared."

Her manager looked on sympathetically, understanding her predicament. "It's okay to be scared, Megumi. You need to know that you're not alone in this, and that at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy. It is _your_ life, afterall, Megumi."

At the familiarity of that sentence, a certain bookstore owner's face began to appear in her mind once again, his words echoing in her mind.

 _"_ _I understand you're worried for your fans, but I don't want you to feel that way. This is your life, Shiraishi, not theirs. You should not be thinking about them, when you should be focusing on yourself. You're in control of your own life, Shiraishi. Please do what you think is right. The rest are honestly just background noises."_

* * *

Megumi hadn't felt this nervous in the longest of time. Her palms were sweaty, and she couldn't stop tapping her feet against the floor rapidly just to ease the jitters in her body a little bit. Her heart was thumping wildly, skipping a few beats. She was trembling, teeth chattering. It was difficult to calm herself when she was about to face her worst nightmare.

"Relax." A voice was heard in an attempt to sooth her anxiety. "We're here for you."

She didn't expect him to show up again, to be honest. But magically, Aizawa Kousaku just did. He came by even earlier than she did, disguised in a plain attire so that he didn't attract unwanted attention from the reporters and journalists gathering outside the building. It would be bad if any of them recognised him from the picture of them together, as it would fuel the rumours even further, but Kousaku felt like he just had to come that day to see her, no matter what.

Megumi didn't reply, only nodded, but she gave him a small smile of gratitude. She was extremely grateful that he was here, even if his presence was barely doing anything to calm her anxiety and stress.

"Breathe in, breathe out." He calmly repeated, and she found herself following his instructions. Once her breathing was proper, her heartbeat slowly became more regular, though. Megumi repeated this until her teeth stopped chattering, though she still felt sick.

"Here, Hiyama-san's calling." Kousaku casually said, handing her phone to her. She didn't even realise her phone had been buzzing on the table until he noticed it. Megumi accepted the phone with a tight smile. "Mihoko?"

There was a piercing scream that came in response to that, shocking Megumi so much that she nearly dropped the phone. It wasn't Mihoko, of course, but a child in her clinic. She heard Mihoko talking to him, soothing him repeatedly in a pitch higher than her usual tone of voice. Hearing her friend speaking that way reminded her of how she used to tease her so much years back, and Megumi began to smile.

"Megumi? Sorry! I just poked a needle in the kid's buttocks, don't mind his cries, please."

She stifled a laughter, completely amused at how her best friend was multi-tasking like this. "Could you please concentrate on treating your patient before you call me?"

"Hello? I've been calling you for the past ten minutes but you didn't answer me, of course I'd be worried, of course i'd continue to call you until you answ—hey no, don't touch that, put that back, Takeru-kun!"

Megumi chuckled, feeling a ton better. She was extremely grateful that Mihoko was worried for her. Come to think about it, Haruka and Kazuo had also called her earlier in the morning to wish her the best of luck. She truly did have the best of friends. "Mihoko, please don't worry about me. AIzawa-san is here with me.'

There was a long pause that Megumi thought she had lost her friend over the line, but she could still hear the muffled sobs of the child. "Huh, I see." Mihoko's voice returned after a few more seconds, her tone laced with satire. "Now that you have a special someone beside you, I'm not needed anymore it seems."

"Mihoko!" Megumi hissed into the phone, her cheeks suddenly colouring. "You know it's not like that."

But Mihoko wasn't listening to her; she could hear her talking to Takeru, something about giving him a sweet for being at his best behaviour…Megumi could only sigh in defeat.

"My press conference starts in 5 minutes. I have to go now." Megumi said a few seconds later, a little bit reluctant to get off the phone with her best friend. She could feel her heartbeat increasing again, just as Mihoko read her mind and chided her for her negativity.

"Oi, just a little bit more and it'll all be over. Keep calm, Megumi. You can do this. You are a strong and brave woman, and my best friend. You can do this."

"Thank you, Mihoko." Megumi smiled, tipping her head slightly as though her friend was in front of her. "I'll see you tonight, if that's okay with you?"

"Of course!" Mihoko replied merrily, before both of them ended the call. Megumi clutched the phone against her chest, breathing in and out slowly again. She consoled herself repeatedly that it would all be over soon, and turned around so that she could face Kousaku.

"And thank you too, Aizawa-san." She simply said. "I wouldn't be able to gather all this courage if it weren't for you."

"You did it by yourself." His reply was curt as usual, though he managed a small smile. Just then, Ishida returned to the holding room, a sign to tell them that it was time for Megumi to make her appearance. Both men exchanged a look at each other, bowing their heads slightly as courtesy. "Good luck, Shiraishi."

Megumi nodded once, before her eyes met her manager's, and she began to make her way towards him. She took a deep breath, hands still clutched together, before she exited the room.

* * *

The press conference took off quickly the moment after she sat down in front of all the reporters and journalists crowding in the room. This sight was something she was used to, but she would never not be afraid and nervous, for every word she said would be subjected to their scrutiny and judgement. One wrong word could lead to a twisted exaggeration and that was the _last_ thing she wanted.

Megumi bowed her head low for a few seconds, before going straight into her statement. There was a script for her to follow, the content aligned to what she had told her manager. She began by reminding the press that she had been in the industry for a long time, so long that she had lost herself even before she could truly find herself. Megumi didn't say she hated acting, but that she didn't enjoy it as much as she first started, and there was an immediate ripple of murmurs across the hall. She took another deep breath, before she persevered and continued to the hardest part of all; her mental health.

The moment she mentioned the word 'depressed', another wave of murmurs spread across the hall. It was like wildfire as journalists were furiously typing or scribbling, and the reporters began to have questions to ask.

"Shiraishi-san, could you please elaborate? What do you mean by 'depressed'?"

"Shiraishi-san, why did it take you so long to admit this condition of yours? Were you embarrassed by it?"

Ishida was quick to intervene, reminding the reporters that questions weren't taken until the end of the statement. But by then, Megumi was pretty much clear on what to expect. She had began to formulate an answer in her mind, so long that she decided to push her script aside. Ishida gave her a look of surprise, but she merely smiled at him, shaking her head.

She was finally ready to tell her story.

"Yes, it is true that I am suffering from depression. It is also true that it was difficult for me to come in terms with that. It took me years to acknowledge this condition of mine, to be brave enough to admit to even the people that I love, that I am not as strong as they think I am. I had this thought that haunted my mind for the longest of time—if I never acknowledged this illness of mine, perhaps it would just go away."

Pause.

"I was living in a lie for such a long time that it began to eat my heart. I couldn't feel anything for a long time. If I could tell you how I felt throughout this time, I would tell you that I felt nothing. It didn't hurt when it was supposed to, didn't jolt with happiness when it was supposed to. I didn't think that having depression would hinder my emotions so much that it would affect my daily routine, but it did. It made me think of things I didn't want to. I was trapped for the longest of time, and I didn't know what to do."

The hall was almost a pin-drop silence, none of the cameramen were even taking any photographs anymore. Everyone was holding their breaths, waiting for Megumi to continue.

"I asked myself many times, if I was doing the right thing by not admitting that i had depression. The answer was always a yes. I was so certain this was just a phase that I would grow out from. But it isn't. I'm still suffering even up till this very date. I wished I could tell all of you that the rumours are true, but it isn't. I am not here to feed to your thirsts and gossips. I am here to tell you my story. It took me too long a time to come clean, but now I am. I have been getting treatments for my illness, and medications as well."

Pause.

"I am not seeing the man in the photograph, and he isn't the reason why I am taking a break. I am doing this for myself, for it has been too long that I neglect my own health. I ask from all of you, that you understand just why I had to do this, and that I am sorry you had to learn of this through a casual, innocent outing I had with my friends."

Megumi expelled the breath she had been holding in, suddenly relieved to have gotten everything out from her chest. She glanced at her manager, giving him a nod to tell him that she was done with her statement. Ishida gave her an encouraging nod, before turning back to the audience and telling them that they would accept a few questions.

"Shiraishi-san, I'm sorry you had to go through that. But, what made you change your mind? Why did you decide to admit you have a…problem?"

Megumi was expecting that question. She leaned forward to answer into the mic, knowing somewhere that _he_ was listening. "Someone special to me convinced me to do it. This person opened my eyes to the reality of my illness, and taught me to embrace my flaw as it makes me human."

She was smiling now, though she refrained from adding anything else.

"Shirashi-san, is this person the same person in the photograph?"

She casted a glance at her manager, the latter cleared his throat into the microphone. "Shiraishi will not be answering questions that are unrelated to her condition or career.

"Shiraishi-san, does this mean you won't ever come back to the industry?"

"Shiraishi-san, will you quit your job as an actress?"

It was a little too overwhelming for her, but Megumi willed herself to remain calm and collected. She thought of her friends, thought of Aizawa Kousaku and his advices that were ringing in her head, thought about her family at home, waiting to hear that she was fine.

"I will come back when I am ready." Her answer was vague, but it was enough. She wanted to apologise, but stopped herself at the very last second. This wasn't something she should apologise for.

"We will accept one last question." Ishida announced, just as the room is filled with another frenzy of murmurs. A reporter raised his hand immediately, and Megumi's manager nodded at his direction.

"Shiraishi-san, what will you be doing in the meantime then?"

Megumi had braced herself for this question, knowing someone would definitely ask her. Before this, she hadn't found an answer to it, not from the beginning, anyway. She didn't know the direction of where her path would lie, what she wanted to do, where she wanted to be, but at that moment, in the sea of reporters and spotlights shining into her direction, Megumi suddenly thought of one place she'd rather be.

* * *

Kinue's bookstore has never been more alive.

After the press conference has ended, Megumi had proposed an idea to Kousaku who had been waiting for her in the holding room. It was an idea that didn't appear in her mind until just a few moments ago, and as unexpected as it was, Megumi has never been so sure in her life. This was something she genuinely wants to do.

She wants to help Kinue-san. She wants to work in the bookstore.

And as confusing and sudden as it may seem, she wants to be with him—though she didn't tell him that. At least, until she figures out if she wants to continue her career as an actress.

Kousaku had given her a look of mild amusement. He didn't question her sudden desire to work with him in his grandmother's bookstore, didn't judge her for this sudden crazy idea of hers. Instead, he merely nodded. "Ah. I'll have to ask my grandmother first."

Megumi had smiled in agreement. "Yes, of course. Please do that."

And today, exactly a week after her press conference, she had began working at the bookstore she grew up in. It didn't take long for words to get by, to spread itself from one neighbourhood to another. Soon, it wasn't just the citizens of Aomori, nor the districts nearby who knew what she was doing, where she was working. There was another headline which graced the newspapers and online medias, one which Megumi wholeheartedly hadn't mind seeing. It was a report of her working in Kinue-san's bookstore, and soon after, customers began to flood in.

There were old customers who hadn't stepped foot in the store for a long, long time. There were teenagers who came in to get their school books or novels, (and to gawk-slash-squeal at Megumi's appearance behind the counter). But despite all the attention the bookstore was getting, none of the customers went overboard with their encounter with the actress. Everyone knew the reason why she was working there, no one was ignorant to purposely bring up things she didn't want to hear. The majority of them were supportive and kind, giving her words of encouragement and making small conversations. Even her young fans were polite and respectful, asking for her autograph only if she felt like it. None of them requested to take a photograph with her, and no reporters crowd the bookstore.

For the longest of time, Megumi had been lost in many ways. It was like walking around in the darkness, trying to feel for the walls to guide her to the light. It caused many pain and sorrows in her heart, so many laughter and smiles that went by without her actually meaning them.

"Shiraishi, could you arrange these books at shelf A2 please?"

She smiled. Kousaku realised it reached her eyes. "Of course."

But now, she can see the light, hear it, even, loud and clear.

* * *

(end)

* * *

 **a/n:** THAT IS A WRRAAPPPPPP! OK first of all I can't thank all of you enough for the sweet comments I've received throughout writing this fic. As it is an AU, I didn't expect much response to it in the first place. And definitely didn't expect myself to be writing it until 18k words omg. Secondly, I am NOT WRITING SUCH A LONG ASS ANGST FOR SHIRAIZAWA EVER AGAIN. The pain I put Shiraishi through this fic is astonishing, I am ashamed of myself for making her suffer so much. (also we need more fluff in our lives SO!). Thirdly, I am not depressed, if you guys are wondering. I'm borderline angst most of the time bc law school can get really stressful, but noooo I'm fine, don't worry about me! Fourth, the title of the fic is from Elvis Presley's song, but I'm sure most of you already know that. I just thought it fits the plot so I went with that (even though I hadn't even write that much yet when I thought of the title). With that, I end this fic with a loud THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN! xoxo


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